The Kiss That Never Was

Hello there! Welcome to my newest blog: My Silly Little Love Life, where I share my various hilarious first dates with all of you because I am a whore for attention. Hooray!

So This story takes place during the height of the pre-vax Covid era, in the summer and fall of 2020, where I developed an addiction of sorts to online dating. And by that I don’t just mean messaging strangers online or zoom dates (although I did plenty of that), but also meeting up in person with whoever was willing in those uncertain times. 

To state the obvious, compulsively dating during a global pandemic is not a smart thing to do. One might compare it to taking a European vacation during World War Two. Yes, dating strangers in 2020 was no different than sunbathing on the beaches of Normandy in 1944.

And yet, myself, along with a special category of people, did just that throughout the worst of pre-vax Covid. And this might shock you, but the kind of person who is willing to date strangers during a pandemic, at least in my experience, is usually… off. Both mentally and emotionally. To be clear, I include myself in this category at that time, as my compulsory dating was due to me trying to fill a void that heartbreak had made, and I was in no shape for any sort of meaningful relationship.  

Anyway, of all the dates I went on in the pre-vax covid era, only two of them were good, solid dates. 

Two.

The first one is a pretty boring, run-of-the-mill good date that wouldn’t be much fun to write, or read, so I won’t be sharing that. 

The other one though… 

This date took place one evening on the back patio of Bayou Beer Garden, which is probably my favorite back patio of any establishment in Midcity. It has a great Caribbean-esque feel to it that I think you would just love. 

But I digress. 

The night turned promising almost immediately. My date, who we’ll call Cynthia, passed my first test immediately when she looked like her online profile pictures. Actually, if I’m being honest, she looked even better than the pictures. I breathed a major sigh of relief. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve shown up for a date only to find the other person looks ten years older or fifty pounds heavier than their photos. Sometimes they just don’t look anything like the photos AT ALL. Like they actually look like entirely different people. (Where is the logic to that, by the way? What are these people hoping to accomplish by doing this? Do they not think their date will notice the difference??)

Cynthia passed the second test in only a few minutes when I found her to be a funny, intelligent, empathetic (and most importantly, NOT FUCKING CRAZY) person. Phew. Those were two major hurdles that few dates ever cleared during this time.

Ok, I thought, now we’re cooking with something. 

And the date only continued to get better, as it became clear that Cynthia and I were vibing. We made each other laugh, we had similar world views, we liked the same kind of movies, music and whiskey. But above all else, I felt a certain kind of chemistry. Now I’m not saying it was immediate fireworks, but there was a certain sense that fireworks could happen in the near future. For the first time in a long time, I found myself excited for where this date was going. 

The only question was, did she feel the same way? 

“I’m having fun,” she said at one point with a great smile, “I usually hate first dates but you’re a lot of fun.” 

Fantastic. After all those miserable dates, something finally felt it was going my way. 

The one thing I did notice though was she would constantly bring the conversation back to how much Covid and, as a result, social situations, freaked her out. Like it absolutely terrified her. This is completely understandable, obviously, we were living in a goddamn pandemic after all. But do you remember how I said I went on one other good date besides this? Yeah, well three days after that date, the woman texted me and told me that Covid was too scary for her to continue dating someone and we couldn’t meet again. At least, not while the virus was still around. 

So yeah, when Cynthia brought up her fears of Covid again and again over the course of the night I couldn’t help but worry that at any moment I would lean a little too close toward her and she would jump up and scream “I can’t do this!” and run away like her body was on fire. 

But that never happened. In fact, at one point doing the date we even held hands while sitting at the table. I know that sounds a little corny, but in the moment we were discussing how lonely and isolating things had been for us, and how we missed even the little bits of human interaction, like hugs and hand holding, and then before I knew it, our hands were connected. Up until that moment, it was the most action I had seen in the last five months, so this was big for me. Yeah I know how that sounds, I don’t care.   

After several drinks and a lot of laughs we realize it’s getting kind of late. Cynthia mentions she should probably head out. Now I knew from the get go that this wasn’t gonna end with us in bed, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t hoping for maybe a goodnight kiss before things were said and done. A tall order I know in those dangerous times, but one can always hope.

“Will you walk me out front, to my uber?” She asked. 

Like a little puppy, I jumped up and escorted her off the patio and around the corner where we waited for her driver to arrive. Conversation was sparse, as I was trying very hard to think of a way to make my move, but when her driver finally showed up it was Cynthia who got the ball rolling. 

“Okay,” she turned to me, “we can kiss goodnight, but there’s one condition.”

Oh dear god, it’s finally happening. A little bit of intimacy after all this darkness. Name your condition, girl, I’ll agree to anything. 

“We both have to be wearing masks.” 

Oh. 

I won’t lie, this proposal left me a bit stunned. A kiss between masks? How would that even work? Sounded a bit ridiculous to me. Sure, it was a pandemic and all, but could you feel fireworks between two sheaths of cloth? Could cupid’s arrow pierce through a pair of meddlesome face garments? I had no idea, but desperate as I was, I agreed to her condition, and we both put on our N9 surgical masks and leaned our faces in toward each other. 

I don’t know if I’ve ever experienced anything like smooching a person who’s wearing a mask while I myself am wearing a mask. I guess the best way to describe it is, it’s a lot like not kissing anybody at all. It’s more like rubbing your lips against cloth while wondering what you’re doing with your life. I mean, forget fireworks, there’s zero sensation at all, or intimacy, or anything that makes a kiss a kiss. 

Overall I do not recommend. 

To this day, I sometimes find myself wondering if that uber driver happened to look out his window at us as we performed the kiss that never was. If he did, I wonder if whatever hope he had for the world since the pandemic hit disappeared entirely right then and there, as he witnessed an act of sheer futility that was never meant to be seen by human eyes.   

But again, I digress. 

Three days later, Cynthia texted me to let me know the pandemic freaked her out too much and she didn’t feel comfortable dating anymore. So that was nice.

But at least I’ll always have the memory of the silliest kiss that never was.

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